It was noon on a hot summer day at Wizard’s Shop. In the first of three work bays in the poorly air-conditioned shop, an old man was waist-deep in his 1968 Plymouth Barracuda Fastback, with his legs dangling in the air as he reached down into the engine compartment. There was a pesky bolt at the bottom that was giving him trouble. Suddenly, CLANG!

“DAGNABIT!” he shouted as he awkwardly raised himself from out of the engine bay. 

He had black dirt and grease all over his bald head and what should be white facial hair. This man has a Christian given name, but some say only his mother and his wife know it. Everyone just calls him Wizard because of his long white beard and overgrown eyebrows that cover his eyes. Wizard angrily grumbled under his breath in frustration because the loud clang was caused by him dropping his ratchet. He kneeled down and used a nearby broom to sweep it out from under the car.

Dang thing slipped out of my dang hand again! Determined to finish the job, he rested his waist on the crossmember and leaned headfirst into the engine bay again. 

“Wizard!? WIZARD!?”

He heaved himself up to see his wife and another woman standing at the open shop door.

“Yes, dear?”

“This is my friend Judith, dear.”

Wizard got out of the car and walked toward them. “Pleasure to finally meet you, ma’am. Forgive me for not shaking hands,” he said while raising his dirty black hands.

Judith smiled, “Of course. It’s a pleasure to meet you as well.”

Mabel, Wizard’s wife, interrupted, “Wizard dear, can you please take a look at her car? She just got a quote from the shop, and it honestly looks ridiculous.”

Wizard rubbed his forehead, leaving black marks over what used to be clean skin. “I don’t see why not. What’s wrong with it?”

“Well,” Judith said while reaching into her purse, “I just went in for an oil change because it was overdue, but then the mechanic hands me this huge list of things it needs!” She grabs a packet of papers and hands it to Wizard.

He flips through the packet. “Oil, filter, filter, brakes, brakes,” he says to himself in a whisper. “Seems pretty straightforward. Why don’t you bring it over to that second stall over there so I can take a look at it?”

She smiled and walked toward her car.

“Did you see the price tag on that order?” Mabel said. She nudged Wizard in the arm.

“Yeah, seemed steep for what they were trying to do.”

It wasn’t long before Judith pulled her car into the stall, and Wizard had it up on the lift. The first thing Wizard wanted to check was the brakes, as they were the most expensive item on the list. Plus, it’s not unheard of for shops to say something is worse than it really is as an attempt to upsell their customers.

Wizard let out a deep sigh and shook his head. “Dagnabit.”

Judith looked over from her side conversation with Mabel. “What’s wrong?”

“Those dang boys at the shop are tryin’ to swindle you. That’s what’s wrong.”

“Oh, dear,” Mabel said, holding her hands over her mouth.

“Look here,” Wizard said. He pointed to the front brake rotor and gestured to the women to come into the shop. When the women got to where Wizard was standing under her car, they saw shiny brake rotors that looked like they were straight from the box. Wizard then pulled out his brake pad gauge and showed them that he could fit the large green gauge onto the pads, meaning they’re in perfect health. 

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” Judith said, “They said on this sheet that the brake pads were in the red.”

Wizard shook his head. “I know. They also said these rotors are bad too, but they still look new!”

Mabel’s eyebrows were furrowed. “But why would the shop just blatantly lie like that?”

“Money,” Wizard said while crossing his arms. “Nobody understands customer service anymore.”

Wizard lowered the car and checked the air filters, which were, in fact, disgusting. He then took his shop truck, a rusty 1950 Dodge B-2, and went to the local parts store. After dismissing the typical forced introduction from the counter employee, Wizard went around and located all the parts and fluids he needed for Judith’s car and brought them to the counter.

“Found everything you’re looking for?” the young boy behind the counter said.

“Yes, sir,” Wizard replied while searching his pockets.

“We have a special on air fresheners today. Would you be interested, sir?”

“No, no. I got what I need,” Wizard said, still wrestling his wallet out of his pocket.

“I see you have the basic brand for this oil filter, sir. Would you like to upgrade to the premium brand for five dollars more?”

Wizard aggressively exhaled and finally looked at the boy for the first time. “Are you deaf, son?”

“No, sir?”

“I already said that I found everything that I was looking for. I understand, you gotta try and make your sales; I really do. But you gotta learn to read the room son.”

“I’m sorry, sir. I’m new here.”

“I know you are. I woulda recognized you otherwise. If a customer looks as tired as I do, you should probably just do your basic pitch instead of the whole nine yards. Deal?”

The boy nodded his head. “Yes, mister.” He then scanned all the parts and handed Wizard the receipt, “Have a good day, sir!”

Wizard smiled, “You too, Carl!” He said after reading Carl’s shirt, “You’ll get the hang of it eventually.”

Back at the shop, the sun was starting to get low, and the sky was painted a golden orange. Wizard set to work on Judith’s car. He first replaced the engine air filter, which took him less than a minute and required no tools. Then, he went into the interior of the car and replaced the dirty and bee-ridden cabin air filter, which also took very little time. Finally, he started the oil change. 

Why are manufacturers so obsessed with these darn plastic clips? Using a prying tool that looked like a fork with two prongs, he carefully pried each clip out of the holes and removed the plastic splash guard from under the car. Then, he drained the oil into the collection tub and removed the old oil filter. Except for a couple pesky clips, all was going well. He then replaced the oil filter, put the plastic splash guard back, filled the engine with oil, and topped off all other fluids. As he turned the car on to let the oil circulate through the engine, Mabel and Judith walked up.

“How’s it looking, Wizard?” Judith asked.

“Just letting the engine run for a second, then you’ll be all set to go.” Wizard rubbed the excess grime onto his work jeans.

“Oh, bless you!” Judith then reimbursed Wizard for the parts. “Thank you so much! Do you think I could come to you for all my car problems?”

Wizard scratched his scalp, “Uh, I don’t see why not.”

Judith gave Wizard a big hug, completely disregarding how dirty he was. Wizard kept his hands away from her clothes, but still accepted the embrace. After hugging Mabel, Judith drove her car home.

“Well, that was nice of you,” Mabel said.

“It’s nothing, dear. All those repairs took me less than an hour.”

“Still, you could’ve said no to becoming her new mechanic.”

“I know. But after seeing what that shop was trying to pull on Judith, I couldn’t just stand by. You know?” 

Mabel’s smile reached her ears. “Yes, dear. I do. Come on. I got dinner waiting for you up at the house.”

Wizard and Mabel ate at the dinner table as their two dogs, Alloy and Coal, sat in the neighboring room, watching and drooling.

“You know, honey, Judith isn’t the only one getting robbed by shops around here,” Mabel said.

“Oh?”

“Our neighbor, Rick, was just telling me a couple of days ago how the shop he went to wanted an arm and a leg for his repairs. Something to do with his suspension, I think.”

“Why didn’t he come to me?” Wizard said in a crescendo.

“Don’t get offended, dear,” Mabel said, “He knows that you were working on your Plymouth and he didn’t want to disturb you.”

Wizard grunted. “I hate how everyone only cares about money nowadays. Nobody cares about the customer paying them anymore.”

After dinner, they went to bed, where Wizard had the strangest dream.

***

Wizard was standing alone in the middle of an ankle deep ocean. There was no land in sight, only water and an infinite horizon. He looked down at his feet to discover a hundred-dollar bill floating by his ankle. He leaned to pick it up and found another one about a yard away. Then another, and another. Wizard followed the trail. He was led to a clawfoot bathtub with a sharply dressed, overweight man sitting inside. As he approached the tub, Wizard noticed that the man was wearing a monocle and the tub was overflowing with the money he’d been following.

WHAM! A wave knocked Wizard off his feet and into the shallow water. When he got back up, the tub and the fat, rich man were gone, and the endless water was still. He looked around, sloshing the water at his feet. When he looked back to where the tub was, he found a dirty, green dumpster. “What is going on around here?” he said to the empty void.

Wizard climbed the side of the dumpster to see if there was anything inside. The dumpster was full of shiny new brake rotors, just like the ones on Judith’s car. Some of them were still in their manufacturer’s boxes.

Who would waste such perfectly good parts?

Suddenly, the wind picked up, so Wizard got out of the dumpster to investigate. As his feet splashed down onto the floor, he was disgusted to discover that it was no longer an ocean of water he was standing in, but used motor oil.

Feeling the wind against his back, he turned around. “AH!” He tripped over himself into the black oil. Standing in front of him were Judith and Rick, and they were both covered head to toe with the same dirty oil that he had just fallen into. Their faces were expressionless, and their pockets were inside out. Wizard noticed more hundred-dollar bills floating by, and there were now small ripples in the oil. As he got to his feet, a daunting shadow loomed over him. He turned around again to see a massive white yacht. Standing at the top of the yacht was the same fat man as before, only this time, he was pointing to a banner hanging off the side of the ship that read, “Free Complementary Inspections!”

The oil started slowly rising, so Wizard started running toward the yacht, hoping to get out of it. As the ship passed, he attempted to climb onto the rear platform, but was kicked off by the rich, fat man. The fat man shook his finger, then pointed to the name of the ship, “$$ Oil Change.” The oil was up to Wizard’s belly now. He searched for his wallet, but his pockets were empty. He then frantically looked around to see that all the floating money had vanished as well. The oil was now at his shoulders. The fat man shrugged his shoulders and walked away onto his pristinely white yacht. Wizard now had to tread to keep himself afloat. The yacht shrank in the distance, and the oil consumed him.

***

Wizard awoke to a bright, clean room and the smell of coffee. He sat up and checked his oil-free hands. What a weird dream. He rubbed his eyes and followed the scent of coffee to the kitchen, where Mabel was already wide awake and cooking breakfast.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty! I figured I’d let you sleep in since it’s Saturday.”

“Thanks, dear. Breakfast smells amazing. I had the strangest dream.”

“What about?” Mabel asked while flipping the sausages in the pan.

“I’ll have to write it down and have our son’s English class pick it apart.”

“That good, huh?”

Wizard rolled his eyes and poured himself a cup of coffee.

“Don’t forget, we need to go run errands today.”

He dropped his head, took a deep breath, and replied, “Yes, dear.”

It was a tradition of theirs to stop at the hobby shop right next to the grocery store every time they ran errands. The hobby shop was their version of a date because it was often just as expensive as their favorite high-class restaurant. Mabel loved looking at the fabrics and yarns, while Wizard liked looking at the model cars, planes, and all the metal signs he used as shop decor. 

Wizard was standing with his hands in his pockets while he was looking at the signs. There were lots of car brands and warning signs, such as “Don’t touch my tools,” or “Shop Rules,” But one sign caught his eye. It read, “Good – Fast – Cheap. Pick any two because you can’t have all three.”

“Find a good one, dear?”

Wizard nodded, “Read this one.”

Mabel put on her glasses and picked up the sign. “Interesting. Come to think of it. You really can’t have all three.”

Wizard shook his head. “What I don’t understand is why shops nowadays aren’t picking two. They’re just trying to be fast. They aren’t cheap, and we just saw yesterday that they aren’t very good.”

“Do you want this for your shop?” Mabel asked as she was already putting the sign in the cart.

Wizard stopped her. “Not that one. I have a better idea.” He borrowed a pen and the shopping list from Mabel and wrote something down.

The rest of their trip for errands was uneventful. Once they pulled up at their house, they put their groceries away, and Wizard bolted towards his neighbor’s house.

Knock, knock, knock!

“Wizard! What a surprise. What can I do you for buddy?”

“Hey, Rick. I wanted to talk shop with you.”

Rick’s face lit up with a smile. “Sure, follow me.”

Wizard followed Rick on a neat stone path to the shop. Rick’s shop looked very different from Wizard’s because he’s a custom sign maker, not a mechanic. 

“So, do you want some more sheet metal?”

Wizard shook his head and waved his hand. “Not this time, Rick. I actually want to commission you for a sign.”

Rick’s eyebrow raised. “Really?”

“Yes, sir. It’s for my shop.”

“Cool!” 

Wizard started fishing around in his pocket for the grocery list. “Hey, by the way. Mabel told me about your car troubles. Why didn’t you come to me? I would’ve fixed it cheap.”

Rick scratched the back of his neck. “Well, you’re so busy with your projects. I didn’t wanna bother you.”

“Oh, don’t give me that horse excrement! We’re buddies. I can stop what I’m doing to help you out.”

Rick gave a relieved smile, “Gee, thanks.”

Wizard finally got the paper from his pocket. “Here, can you make this for me?”

“Pfft. Easy. This’ll be good for your shop.”

The note read, “Good: Cheap/Fast. Pick two, but we don’t neglect quality.”